My Relationship with Food & Depression
For me, food and comfort have always gone hand in hand. When I was a baby, my parents said that as long as I was fed, I was the happiest baby. I thank the almighty HEB gods for those pink icing cookies that helped me through my first break up. Food is a comfort to everyone and in healthy quantities, that’s great. However, for me, it started getting unhealthy so I decided to make a change.
Depression & Appetite
To begin, let me remind everyone that mental health is unique to each person. My struggles won't be the exact same as anyone else’s and comparing your symptoms as “better” or “worse” wouldn’t be helpful to your healing.
When I get depressed, depending on the sevenity, one of two things can happen. The first being “just an off day” in which I want food to comfort me in my time of need. My personal sources of comfort are chocolate and ice cream, hopefully together. It’s a temporary solution to a temporary problem. I’ve never been a binge eater so I try very hard not to let myself feel guilty. I don’t always succeed and it can feed into my bigger issues but we all have specific ways of getting through a hard day and this is mine.
My larger issues revolve around those days that I don’t have the energy to get out of bed. Those days that the world’s problems are too heavy and there is a huge void. On these rare days, eating is more than a treat to get through the day. Eating is my way of coping with dark thoughts. I don’t feel shame on these days about my diet, my mind is fighting more important things and tomorrow, hopefully I’ll feel good enough to eat something green.
Weight Gain & Depression
My coping skills are WONDERFUL. I love that in moments of huge psychological distress, I have handpicked a couple steps to combating my panic or depression. As my guiding light, David Rose, once said, “I refuse to feel shame about the mall pretzel” and there is NO reason I should feel shame about eating some sweets to cope. However, for me, it came with some weight gain. There is nothing wrong with that, I had more important things going on. However, as time went on, the weight gain has caused some shame. David would not be happy with me so I’ve decided to do something about it. Intrusive thoughts are powerful and when the timing is right, they can cause a lot of damage. So, I needed to make a change.
Turning a Corner with Food
**Note: I want to be very careful about how I word my newfound relationship with food. I fully support every person trying to find a their own health journey. My change in goals stemmed from a desire to lesson the self deprecation and negative inner talk that have come from my weight gain. I fully believe in self-love and I’m committed to becoming more mentally and physically strong in these coming months with the help of my therapist and health regiment**
Recently, the negative inner talk has become more and more prevalent around my eating habits. I have always been modest and wear clothes that reflect that. However, I notice myself specially picking out clothes that don’t take shape and even not wanting to even go into public spaces for fear of judgment. A lot of this is anxiety related and being addressed in therapy but a big part of it is a lack of confidence in the way I look. So I’m taking steps to change my perspective on my body by working out regularly and eating cleaner. This does not mean when I’m skinny, I’ll love myself. I have just always felt better when I’m working out and eating nutritious foods, this is NOT a diet. I am working on loving myself and through that decision, give my body love in return.
Part of this journey however, is going to be refusing to feel bad about when I need a break. On those days I still need Ben & Jerry to get through the day, I’m going to do that and remind myself it’s okay. This is all about creating healthy daily habits that allow for cheat days not completely destroy progress.
I’ve joined a cycling class and this was a big step for me. I get really anxious in new places and breaking from my routine. However, I also need to develop a new routine to see any results. Indoor Cycling helps me stay under the radar in a certain way and I can go at my own pace to reach my goals. I’ve been to 2 classes and y’all…. I’m struggling. I’m sore in intimate places, I’m insecure in class next to gorgeous women who seemingly don’t feel pain and I can’t follow the beat of a song to save a life. However, about 20 minutes after class when I stop feeling like I’m going to vomit, I’m proud of myself for going and I know it’s going to be easier next time. The same goes for my eating habits. I’m going to keep getting stronger and feel more accomplished every day. If you’ve made it this far, thank you for joining me and keep checking back in for updates and recipes!
Resources & Community
I am still in the active process of dealing with new triggers and emotions every day. Fortunately, I have resources available to me for those days when Chocolate Brownie Ice Cream just isn’t going to cut it. If you’re reading this and wondering where else you can turn, I hope these can help you as they do me.
Podcasts:
Hardcore Self Help by Robert Duff: This psychologist walks you through struggles such as anxiety, depression and all of the daily struggles that are associate with mental health.
I Hate Anxiety by Larry Quicksall: Another therapist, Larry’s light hearted commentary gives you situational advice on your daily struggles with anxiety. He also has associated books that are to the point about what you
Books:
F**k Anxiety & F**k Depression by Robert Duff: Two short, very digestible books by a therapist who knows practical ways to help you through daily life with mental health struggles. They go great with his podcasts and really walk you through dealing with mental health.
When Panic Attacks by David Burns: A doctor who provides tips for building your life in a way that panic and depression don’t rule your life. He really helps valid your emotions and give you techniques for working through whatever life throws at you.
Own It: Make Your Anxiety Work For You by Caroline Foran. She is not a therapist but she is someone who has been on the dark side of anxiety and came back out many times. This humorous survival book came to in a dark time and I always turn back to it when I need to feel less alone.
Find a Therapist:
I’ve had the same therapist since 2019 and I found them through this website. The filters allowed me to weed through my preferences and find the right therapist who has been huge for my growth. That being said, you might need to try a couple therapist before you find the right one for you. Develop your own goals and make sure your therapist is not only capable, but someone you can trust with your goals.
